The Stamina of Grief

This week, dear friends of mine lost their son in a tragic car accident. (I'm sitting here frozen).

Where does one go after that statement. This blog will be scattered and careless and really just a reflection of observations of the week. I have had dreams that have seemed more real than my first sentence. I have woken up, startled and confused. I am waiting for the alarm clock to go off, any minute so that right can be restored and the mundane tasks of life can continue at a regular pace.

Sadly, my intelect is telling me otherwise. I never really knew before how powerful grief is as an emotion. If we could harness its energy, we could kiss our relationship with OPEC good-bye. I am gripped. At such a primal, deep level. For my friends first, but my own grief seems so palpable. The cliches become evidence. That life is short. That you must seize the day.

I have realized that the gifts we are honored with in family and in friendship are fragile and sometimes, fleeting. They are ours to borrow. And we must cherish them while we are so fortunate to have them in our grasp. I am heartbroken to the core. More than at any other time in my life. I was 17 when I met my friends. The child was 17 when he was taken from us. While I didn't know him personally as a big kid, he was barely weeks old when I held him on my chest, afraid of his smallness, and he nuzzled up and fell asleep. It had been years since I thought about that and this week, the tape keeps rolling, and rolling and rolling. Just to bring me back to my senses.

There is a (an?) heirarchy of grief, too. I had never really thought about. In this case, parents first. But who's hurts more? The mother or the father. And does the sister hurt any less...but what about grandparents, aunts, uncles and just friends, like me. And then there are my friends, who don't know this family, but have seen my own pain. And they have comforted me. Somehow, I don't feel deserving of it. But I'll take it.

I try to put life in rational, pragmatic format. That isn't happening now. Maybe someday it will. My friend stood next to me the other day. She cuddled up to me and buried her body in my arms. I felt so good that for that moment...that brief moment...I was strength for her. And believe it or not, she for me. I will continue my thoughts...I can't wait til it all comes into focus.